Struggling Today

It has not been a good day.  I am struggling with the fact that my

father in law lives with us, because he can't take care of himself.

So,  I'm thinking, who will be taking care of him, when I can't take

 care of myself?? I want my hubby all to myself for the next few months..I want to 

be able to feel comfortable in my home, to reduce the resentment I 

feel.  

My own father is in a nursing home with Alzheimer's in Florida. I have step mom too, I have

not told them about my diagnosis, because what can they do?? Stress out,  never have

good days..they can't come visit..dad has no phone in his room, and my step mom, well 

she's not a mom.  I never had a mom.  

My daughter was here today..cuz I called her flipping out and 

crying hard. She came right over.  I felt so bad, upsetting her..by

the time she got here ..I had it together..and just felt naseaous ..but I

didn't tell her.  

I've been a mom with kids at home for 35 years...I get my last sweet daughter

raised..and she's moved out..and now I have a FIL and cancer, and I'm not

sure which is worse.   Thank God for my loving husband. 

 Some days 

are not so good, most days are great.  I know winter is upon us, I'm a hermit

then..so I know this is the best time to be ill, but it's also overcast lately

and I want the sun to shine on my face.

I can't open the windows and hear my bird friends in the winter. That makes

life so amazing..to hear owls, crickets, frogs and coyotes at night, and wake

to the songs of birds in the morning.

I went to my new doctor yesterday, mine retired from practice.  I 

met a sweet nurse there who just had the SAME surgeries as I 

am going to have.  She was so sweet and kind..She showed me 

her "no hair" but she had a great lil wig on.  She showed me the top

of her breast line and it looked wonderful.  It is good to 

know others have done this, survived it..and are willing to help and share.

I wish my husband was home..and he would just cuddle me and tell

me it will all be fine, he'll be here ..and the days ahead we'll be facing 

together will make us strong  and strengthen our marriage and our faith.

He'll be home..the grandsons are coming too.  They'll give gramma hugs

and snuggles too.

Perhaps this weekend we can find some time to spend together..I want to

get all we need for Thanksgiving.  

Rich and I talked frankly today before he left for work  about the days to come. 

 He finally realizes how

hard this will be , BUT together we can get through it.  I don't know how

a single woman can get through this ..my dear family helps so much.  Just

knowing they love me and are there is my source of strength..

I wish I could have accepted the invitation to travel

to a small primitive antique shop at a nearby town with

my friend, Sally, but alas my head and tummy hurt too much..

I have HOPE and FAITH tomorrow ..or even this evening will be better.

fondly. Deena